Method to Your Marriage?
I want to discuss Ellis’ theory of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT) as it relates to a happy marriage. Let’s face it, when your marriage is thriving and healthy, it feels like you’re taking pure energy pills. I may have mentioned REBT here before but this is a unique way of looking at it to keep your marriage positive and growing in love. REBT is a way of breaking down communication and understanding why we and our spouses do what we do. The basic template are these ABC’s:
A: Adversity comes our way and we are forced to deal with it. This can be like the house being messy for example. Will you clean it? Will you yell at your spouse over it? Will you do nothing and BROOD? etc.
B: Beliefs we hold cause us to see adversity in given ways. For example, if I grew up with a maid, I will not likely clean the house all the time. On the other hand, if I was the cleaner my whole life I might never let it get bad. Then finally,
C: Consequences result after A and B combine to make our actions. The trick is really studying how we got here in a given situation.
I think it is the best piece of advice I could give to a married couple to study Ellis’ ABC’s of REBT. It is the logical continuation of possibility thinking (I wrote a series on that btw) Understanding that your spouse says and does things directly as a result of their beliefs might lessen the number of arguments you have. For example, if you learn that your wife never got new shoes much, then you might understand her apprehension to buying your kids as many as you think they need. That’s a simple example but this method can help you manage your money, sex-life, raising and disciplining of kids, etc. Remember to think your arguments through and remember your ABC’s.
Got a method to your marriage that works for you?
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Tags: Beliefs, happy marriage, Health, Love, marriage, method, possibility, possibility thinking, Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy, REBT, spouse, the Other, wife
Yes, I do think there’s a method to my marriage. Not sure I can describe it all in a comment, but I’ll try.
My hubby and I have always gone with the “whoever feels more strongly about something” approach and it works for us. We think similarly on most things, but sometimes, the inevitable comes up.
We try to decide who has the stronger feelings regarding whatever the matter is. It may be shoes as in your example above to a major purchase or allowing the kids to do something. When we sit down and actually think about it, one of us has a stronger feeling about whatever the conflict is and we try to go with that person’s thought. We try. Nothing is perfect, of course. :)
Jessica The Rock Chis last blog post..Harder To Breathe
That is good my friend. I’ll talk to Sarah about that one!
Those are some good ABC’s to keep in mind! I know there are things I do and my hubby does that we both let slide because it is from the “Beliefs” part.
Our method to our marriage is we both put each other’s needs ahead of our own…so I am always looking out for hubby and he is always looking out for me :) I think we both get more of what we need that way.
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I think that is an excellent thought for couples. It won’t work for the quiet passive aggressives though I fear.
In my previous marriage (yes) I think the fundamental problem was the lack of “ABC”s. Right now I am in the best long-term relationship I have ever had - I am certain I will re-consider marriage, and we take a similar approach to Chelle and Jessica - most of the time we think of each others needs (and sometimes beliefs) and occasionally the person with the strongest feelings will win by default (I’m sure he’d say that was me, but I can I remember a few times when…) ;-)
I am sure you get the point!
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Oh yeah. My wife has very strong feelings about marital stuff many times. But, then there are those times when I put my foot down. Not always fun, but respect is a two way street ;)
This seems spot on. Right now, I am only engaged, but I am living with my fiancee and I can see how these can really reduce fighting.
Thank you. Best of luck to your fiance and you. Marriage is an absolutely cool thing, but it does take some creativity sometimes.
Communication really is key in long term relationships. If you can effectively communicate your wants and needs to the other person (and have chosen someone that truly cares about them), you will succeed over the long term.
Good point. BUT you speak as if communication is something people know automatically how to do :)
This is a really good article, and you are certainly right, when my wife and I are “good” we are good, I feel like whistling when I wake up and dancing all day.
But when there is an argument it can sour the mood for days, even over something stupid like me forgetting to clean some crumbs off the kitchen counter when I make a PB&J sandwich.
Alas, I wipe the crumbs and 1 crumb remains and is instantly found….
:)