Postcards from the Funny Farm

I’m watching Robert Redford’s “Indecent Proposal” as I type and I must say it had many topics running through my mind for a blog post, but I chose infidelity as the topic for this one.  I find the concept of this movie somewhat ridiculous mostly because Robert Redford is the guy paying the money for Demi Moore.  Why not get that guy from Seinfeld who delivers the mail: “Newman.”  Then you’d have a real story.  Any woman on earth would probably give their pinkie finger to hang out with Robert Redford in a posh hotel for 1mil.  Where the struggle here?  Beyond that, her husband tells her not to and says he is jealous from the beginning?  Where’s the lack of morality?

I think this story had mass appeal at the box office plain and simply because people in this day and age: “cheat” on one another.  We have learned from reality tv and talk shows that “wife swapping” (in its truest sense) goes on as commonplace.  People respond to this movie because they want to weigh their own fantasies of infidelity against what Hollywood portrays it as.

I thought about how this might go down with my wife and I and just kept laughing at the idea of it.  1mil is a lot of money and I’d love to have it.  BUT I would decline on the grounds that I wouldn’t want to wreck my marriage over it.  That goes for if a woman wanted me for a million bucks (oh my, that poor one would have to truly be sick in her head).  I would decline on the basis of the harmony of my marriage.  Even 10 million could never replace that special bond, that quiet trust that exists between us.  To be honest, I have a hard time imagining how people can swing much less accept payment for their spouse as Woody Harrelson does in this movie.

You can see this movie had an impact on me.  Have you seen it?  What do you think of consensual infidelity? Please be honest and sign in as anonymous if you want. Of course if you agree with me, that’s always allowed too ;)

There comes a time in life when we have done all we can do and the only thing left is to wait through the day to day.  I have a bloggy friend, for example, who has been given her share of lemons and is trying desperately to make lemonade.   What should she do when she’s finished stirring?  Stop, look, and support those around her.  Of course, we should be supportive at all times but sometimes more than others, we have a real opportunity to just support.  In turn, we get a clear perspective.

Another example is that my wife has been taking some real strides in parenting. I am so glad to see the charts she has created for our son and daughters to get them in bed on time and without turmoil. I’ve been helping as much as I can and I really see nothing to add to her new methods, they are wonderful.  So how can I let my wife know I appreciate what she is doing? Support her parenting. I think most spouses want to be respected and supported.  So, when I don’t know what else to do: I can stop, look, and support.

At work, you might be in a position of leadership. If so, offer support to those you lead. If you are not in leadership, offer support to the leader above you. Support her/his ability to lead. You may find these connections become highly valuable to you and your advancement. Most people appreciate support. It’s a very good bet they will notice the support you give.

With your own kids, or your nieces and nephews if you don’t have kids, support their role as students of life. You can turn even adolescent indifference into wonder if you just stay faithful as a supportive force. When you have a bad day, kids can tell. Make sure you show them through their actions that being supportive is possible even when the chips are down.

I’ve heard doctors say that the practice of medicine is just keeping the patient calm while mother nature does the work. You can be something like an “inspiration doctor” simply through support. The way to support varies from person to person but figuring it out is usually not too complicated . Give it a try.  Why not go into today being aware of this.  Don’t miss your chance to be a great force in your world: stop, look, and support.

I want to discuss Ellis’ theory of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT) as it relates to a happy marriage. Let’s face it, when your marriage is thriving and healthy, it feels like you’re taking pure energy pills. I may have mentioned REBT here before but this is a unique way of looking at it to keep your marriage positive and growing in love.  REBT is a way of breaking down communication and understanding why we and our spouses do what we do. The basic template are these ABC’s:

A: Adversity comes our way and we are forced to deal with it.  This can be like the house being messy for example.  Will you clean it?  Will you yell at your spouse over it?  Will you do nothing and BROOD? etc.

B: Beliefs we hold cause us to see adversity in given ways.  For example, if I grew up with a maid, I will not likely clean the house all the time.  On the other hand, if I was the cleaner my whole life I might never let it get bad. Then finally,

C: Consequences result after A and B combine to make our actions.  The trick is really studying how we got here in a given situation.

I think it is the best piece of advice I could give to a married couple to study Ellis’ ABC’s of REBT.  It is the logical continuation of possibility thinking (I wrote a series on that btw) Understanding that your spouse says and does things directly as a result of their beliefs might lessen the number of arguments you have.  For example, if you learn that your wife never got new shoes much, then you might understand her apprehension to buying your kids as many as you think they need.  That’s a simple example but this method can help you manage your money, sex-life, raising and disciplining of kids, etc.  Remember to think your arguments through and remember your ABC’s.

Got a method to your marriage that works for you?

Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT) is arguably the first cognitive therapy. I’ve been a fan of cognitive therapy ever since I was introduced to it by a licensed clinical social worker in 1999. Got issues? It works. No, it’s not holding hands over the eyes of your partner like the picture shows, I just chose that one because I thought it conveyed closeness and safety.

Reckless emotions and “telling on” people and crying, all that has its place on a therpist’s couch (arguably), But REBT works you through the stuff that is holding you back more quickly.

I wanted to start dialog on this today since I feel it can truly transform your life at work, home, et al. I’m sure to bring it up again since I am that impressed with it for anyone and everyone. By the way, Presently, my wife and I are using it to put an end to some of our recurrent fight issues, and it is working. We are finding that some of our biggest “triggers” come from things that happened to us when we were kids and it is very relieving to be able to understand how to do things better. To feel better about the things that happen to you (even the bad stuff) REBT is worth looking into.

I must give credit to the creator of REBT, Albert Ellis. Mr. Ellis put together a system of cognitive therapy that has literally revolutionized my life, along with millions of others. Let me tell you what it is exactly:

REBT consists of a very simple acronym: ABC

A: This is the adversity that happens to you: boss calls you into your office and it doesn’t seem good, wife yells downstairs to you and it sounds really bad, you hear someone peel out their tires in front of your house and you hear a glass shatter … etc. These things are neutral in and of themselves, you don’t know what they mean right away.

B: This stands for what you believe based on a myriad of past learned experiences and attitudes. Mostly, it means what you have experienced relating to the “A.” If you have been a baseball player for years, a high speed object coming past you may not be as frightening as someone who has had ammo flying past them. Basically, this is how you see the “A.” REBT looks at this closely to determine if the A is really the sole cause of your emotions about it and not “B.” REBT works to remove the B. For example, let’s say your boss calls you into his office. You feel like you should get up and walk in, but something keeps you from going in. It might be because your parent once called you into their office for something negative. You may come to find the incident was only a positive thing.

C: This stands for consequence. As a result of behavior, there are inevitably consequences. Usually when people get to therapy, their C has not been positive.

The place to point in REBT is B: belief. What you believe about what happened must be separated from the true meaning of A.

Hmmm, when people told me I was doing a bad job, they always fired me after that. This could be an imagined belief. Therefore, my boss yelled at me so therefore I will be fired soon.

This is not necessarily the case and a responsible person who wants to live a life outside the funny farm will work to examine the b in light of a. The end result?  Ellis actually calls the next step “D” which stands for DISPUTE of the previously held, if indeed held, self-defeating Belief.

The next time you get in a fight with your spouse or have any form of self-defeating thought,  remember the ABC’s of REBT:  A) Adversity, B) Belief, C) Consequence, and D) DISPUTE steps of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy. Not only could it save your life, it could make it better than you dreamed possible.

*Works Consulted: Wikipedia, my own life, my own cognitive therapy sessions.

My wife invited me up as she was painting our son’s room. She’s sort of “owned” it as her task and art project and up to now she hadn’t invited me into the mall of plastic, masking tape, and drop cloths that is Brandon’s room.

As I saw her virtually collapsed under the window, I asked her what I could do to help finish the job. I could tell she was feeling overwhelmed so I started showing her how it would be easy for me to finish the last wall. It needed tape on the base and the top and it needed primering and then a couple coats of paint on top of that. At the time I had just received a $30 writing offer which for me is huge. I’ve been trying lately to get blog jobs that pay, but here my wife was virtually collapsed. I decided I’d be quite the selfish idiot if I put this job off.

I sent my wife downstairs with the order of getting some food. It was after noon and she was a little shaky from not having eaten yet. After she left I learned a great lesson. I looked at all the stuff that needed to be done and decided instead of trying to do it all, I would select a small part and do it perfectly. Then I did that. After that, I picked another one and so on. Within an hour, I finished the room. When my wife came up to check on me with a piece of toast in her hand, she was astonished at all I had accomplished.

She went out to the jacuzzi with our one and three year old, and I went downstairs where I was able to finish that big writing job. Victory! Lesson learned?

When painting, or life, gets overwhelming, map out chunks at a time to finish. Don’t get overwhelmed. Before you know it, you’ll be victorious.

As I typed that title I caught myself for a millisecond thinking people might construe it to mean I have been wrong about something I have written on the blog. Naturally, I got defensive. Why do we as people fear being wrong so much? Maybe it goes back to our childhood when we would be sent to “remedial” classes to “remedy” us if we did poorly (wrongly) on tests. Nowadays the kids are almost 100% judged by their standardized test scores so they can probably relate. But as a whole I think you’ll agree that we as adults are very afraid of being wrong, it shows in our toxic words and actions.

I teased my mom the other day about how she was wrong about something … a pop-culture factoid that I don’t even need to mention (it’s too complicated). Anyway she felt the need to explain that I had it wrong and not she. That was okay, especially now that I’ve thought this post through. Ring any bells about discussions with your relatives? Who cares if we are wrong? Unfortunately, we all do.

Think about what you lose when you are wrong. Is it so valuable that you would give up your sense of peace and well-being over it? Is it worth arguing your case over?

Folks it’s okay to be wrong. I am wrong about 70% of the time in my marriage and I can still wear a smile on my face. I am wrong at work quite a bit too, sometimes it is my 8 year old students who point it out to me. Have you ever argued with a child about how you are not wrong? I have. It’s embarassing when you have time to realize how stupid it was. Like as if a stranger comes up to tell you you need more acne control. It feels strange and awkward. I TRY TO look at those type of moments now as teaching moments to model for them how to be wrong gracefully. Let’s face it, it is not automatic.

We grow through being wrong, we stagnate through always being right. If you want to be right all the time, go live on a desert island … it’s not gonna be possible even there. You will find however that no one is there to see you become “humiliated.” Funny how humble and humiliated come from the same root. The best people through history had humility and were not afraid to admit when they are wrong.

The next time it comes to your attention that you have been wrong, don’t hide from it. Look them squarely in the face and say: “Thank you, I want to know when I am wrong so I can be better.” Being wrong is not the worst thing in the world, being afraid of it might be. How do you feel about being wrong?

It’s been said that life is a series of lines you wait in until the end and even there you have the funeral procession. I guess you lead that line … anyway, I think the notion is true. We wait to get into kindergarten then middle school, high school, college, marriage, parenthood, middle age, old age, and finally death. Ah, but if it were only that easy. We have letters to learn, forms to fill out, blood tests to take, and a mammoth mountain of other requirements to fulfill before each line shows us to the front.

My title says: “whistle” while you wait, but I know it’s not that easy. Besides whistling, which connotes a “devil-may-care” attitude, you can do things to make the line faster and more pleasant. What are you waiting for today? Instead of waiting, which brings anxiety, do something and you’ll be so glad you did it when your number comes.

As you know, we here at the funny farm house are waiting to buy our new home about a block away. It seems like the miracle mile. We have been so stressed about where to get the closing costs. While I have been “waiting,” I have liquidated my TSA account, applied for grants and other sources and done all I can every day (as has my wife). This is proactive waiting. Knowing I have done all I can in the waiting process helps me sleep better when I hit the good old mattress.

You can whistle without guilt while you wait proactively. The good news is, all the necessary funds have come our way and we have the funds to close. Now, as we see the front of the line approaching, we’re all whistling happy tunes. And aren’t we glad that we don’t have to be waiting in line (like so many are nowadays) for foreclosure help.

What can you do while you wait?

This is a guest blog post by Marcia from Tumbled Words.

We have been preparing for one thing or another most of our lives, haven’t we? Let’s take a trip back into our past in preparation for my one question quiz in honor of Damien and Sarah both being teachers.  (No cheating!)

Flash back to elementary school. We were taught to prepare for the next lesson. Sometimes we prepared merely by closing our book, putting away our pencils, and opening our eyes and ears.

Most of us learned to prepare for that next lesson on our own, eventually.

Now mosey on back to middle school (or junior high as my generation referred to it). We were taught to prepare for the next test by studying, and we did, but in our own way. We were preparing to grow up. Our preparation for tests varied: alone, in front of TV, in solitude, or with radio blaring; others studied with friends (in between making out or stuffing our faces with junk food); and those other two groups studied on the school bus as who knows what flew past their heads or they sat quietly at the kitchen table beneath mother’s watchful eye.

Yes, most of us managed to prepare for our upcoming tests — when we wanted to.

High school came and went too fast for some and interminably slow for others. We continued to prepare for tests, sometimes changing our method month to month. But we also learned to prepare for other things: meeting that hunky guy or hot girl, getting out of going to work, our weekend, avoiding our parent’s questions, avoiding our kid brothers and sisters.

Yes, we were quite successful at preparing - just not always for the task that should have been at hand.

College years snuck past some of us as just more of the same, but there, when we were paying attention, we prepared for our careers before they leaped out to ensnare us.

And so on.

You are prepared, right? Now, please, answer the following in one or two sentences:

With all that practice at preparing for things, why have so many of us failed to prepare for marriage or old age?

Just a question I needed to ask….

(Thank you Damien, for providing a wonderful venue for my question.)

I was thinking tonight about some things we men are truly ignorant about. I thought I’d make a list:

1. bedding. We men have no clue what a good thread count is and we would probably buy flannel sheets if you sent us out for some. Ladies: make sure you do not entrust this shopping task to a man.
2. matching colors. This is especially true on our kids. Wives: do not leave the picking of several clothes in an ensemble up to the husband. He can dress just fine, but will likely commit a fashion faux pas with your innocent children.
3. social etiquette. Men rarely know how to send a thank you note. In fact, if it weren’t for women, these wouldn’t get sent.
4. romantic movies. Men, if you must rent one of these, make sure you let her pick it. Trust me, I have tried this one and failed too many times! Oh, and if you’ve seen it already, don’t worry about it. Just watch it again and enjoy.
5. extended family relations. Men have no concept of how to maintain these. If men leave it to the women, it is a better situation, plain and simple.

Obviously there are more. Perhaps you can add a few to my list.

Online dating helped me find and marry my soul mate Sarah. I even found her during the “free trial” period so the service was free! I thought I’d write a blurb about Yahoo! Personals because I feature them as an advertiser. It isn’t just demographics that makes me do so (most my core readers are married). On the other hand, I chose them because I believe in their product. Most of all, I feature their ads because it worked for me.

I remember at that time feeling quite lonely in a new town with a new job and Yahoo! Personals connected me with Sarah when I really had no friends or family around to help me meet people. (interested readers can find more details on our &#....)

It works like this: You sign up and upload a small picture of yourself (actually this is optional but it really speeds things up!) Then, you fill out some profile questions and send out a few emails to members that you are interested in. Some, you will find, are indeed certified loony cases. Just keep telling yourself “All you need is ONE.” From there, as you sort through replies you will undoubtedly start to make email friendships. You will find yourself at your parents for thanksgiving sneaking to the computer to see what your online romance has to say.

If it works out perfect like it did for me, you’ll get married within a month! That was 5 years ago and now my wife and I have a wonderful family with laughs and memories that keep on going. If you are single and wanting someone special or if you know someone in your friends and family circle who feels that way, get tuned in to Yahoo! Personals. Trust me, it can work. All you Need is ONE. (and don’t be surprised when the ONE plus ONE turns into one or more beautiful kids! Be ready because it can happen fast!)