Postcards from the Funny Farm

I want to discuss Ellis’ theory of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT) as it relates to a happy marriage. Let’s face it, when your marriage is thriving and healthy, it feels like you’re taking pure energy pills. I may have mentioned REBT here before but this is a unique way of looking at it to keep your marriage positive and growing in love.  REBT is a way of breaking down communication and understanding why we and our spouses do what we do. The basic template are these ABC’s:

A: Adversity comes our way and we are forced to deal with it.  This can be like the house being messy for example.  Will you clean it?  Will you yell at your spouse over it?  Will you do nothing and BROOD? etc.

B: Beliefs we hold cause us to see adversity in given ways.  For example, if I grew up with a maid, I will not likely clean the house all the time.  On the other hand, if I was the cleaner my whole life I might never let it get bad. Then finally,

C: Consequences result after A and B combine to make our actions.  The trick is really studying how we got here in a given situation.

I think it is the best piece of advice I could give to a married couple to study Ellis’ ABC’s of REBT.  It is the logical continuation of possibility thinking (I wrote a series on that btw) Understanding that your spouse says and does things directly as a result of their beliefs might lessen the number of arguments you have.  For example, if you learn that your wife never got new shoes much, then you might understand her apprehension to buying your kids as many as you think they need.  That’s a simple example but this method can help you manage your money, sex-life, raising and disciplining of kids, etc.  Remember to think your arguments through and remember your ABC’s.

Got a method to your marriage that works for you?

Did you know that science has looked into anger and rage as they relate to the brain? The findings have been quite interesting. A Harvard study found that when subjects revisited tapes they recorded about events that made them angry or enraged they had measurable chemical reactions in the brain. The beginning of what I refer to here as possibility thinking is having an open mind. Many people in the media and in the everyday world struggle with anger and rage and so I’m tackling this issue in hopes it might offer understanding and direction to open minded people who are concerned with their anger and rage.

Here is a somewhat long quote (for me anyway) that explains what happened in the Harvard study better than I could. It is fascinating:

A look into the brains of normal subjects revealed that anger increases blood flow to a reasoning part of their brains, an area over the left eye just behind the forehead, technically called the orbitofrontal cortex. This flow inhibits thoughts of rage. At the same time, blood flow increased activity in the amygdala, an almond-shaped knot of tissue deep in the brain that deals with emotion and vigilance.

Angry feelings arising in the amygdala are normally cooled by activity in the frontal cortex, part of the thinking region of the brain. However, in some severely depressed people a lack of both recognition and control of anger, can lead to violent rage.

“All of us get angry from time to time,” comments Darin Dougherty, an assistant professor who led the research. “At such times, feelings of wrath in the primitive parts of our brains seem to be balanced by inhibitions of our will to act on those feelings.” Source

This process is like a miracle. Of course, the brain itself is a composite of so many apparent miracles it boggles any brain that seeks to understand it. Still we try. While one part of the brain is fed blood and reacts in anger, in unison other blood is fed to an area that controls inhibition that sort of keeps the angry thought under a lid. Of course, brain damage and mental illness can upset the balance of this process. This is why we see movies of people in mental hospitals screaming in rage without stopping. Somehow the delicate balance their brain was meant to have has been disturbed.

So what does this mean to me and you? Once again, it points us to the truths of Phineas Gage: our mind is a delicate instrument that needs care to stay in balance. When we are getting angry often we should ask ourselves: “Is this chemical?” Is there something disrupting the balance between those two parts of the brain? If so, there are likely drugs that can help … see a psychiatrist or a psychologist that has a practice in concert with a psychiatrist. There are so many triggers that make us angry and even despondent. It could be as big as someone ripping you off or maybe just suffering the empty results of top diet pills.

If you feel the issue has more to do with behavioral issues such as a recurring annoyance in the form of a memory or if you are suffering from some of the cognitive distortions, get thee to a therapist and discuss those issues. Or, you can go to a book store or library and do your own study on these issues. Personally, I would recommend going to a professional instead but just make sure you tend to the problem in some way.

Your brain is your lens to the rich pageant called life. Don’t let anger steal anything from you, there is no reason for that.

I wanted to let the blog know that I had my observation and post-conference today. It went very well. I received a passing score in all domains and some very nice things were said about me in the write-up.Okay I can breathe now.

I’m not one to hide fear, I think it helps the world to show your weakness. It helps people more than pretending you are always 100% confident.

You may recall I published an article on BlogCritics this month about the whole process I was going through:

My article on BlogCritics on how to survive and th...

(esp. note my response to the first comment about inequity in some evaluation pr... for teachers … Amidst my optimism it’s important to note my view on that.)

-Damien

This is a screenshot from my son’s favorite game, Soul Caliber II. Since I promised him an hour just me and him doing stuff once a week in attempt to bond more, this game has become a weekly endeavor. The beast reminds me of the beast of sleepiness attacking me right now: unyielding, ferocious, unmerciful.

I think the worst torture we do to ourselves is sleep deprivation. Why is it so hard sometimes to just lay down and take a nap? When we’re tired it’s hard to stay positive. Usually there are times in the day we can sleep more and we just don’t. And then of course there are the many times it just isn’t possible with all we have to do. Spain and Mexico used to have a siesta in the day when all the stores closed and everyone taking a nap. I love the Hispanic culture, you can read more on that at my Cheese Enchiladas article here. In Soul Caliber II you have to strike the beast down to kill him. In the case of the sleepiness beast, you have to stop and do nothing do defeat him… why is that so hard to do?

Back to what I was saying: The tired feeling when you have things to do but keep nodding off is the single-most brutal beast in my life. It makes me cranky, impatient, grouchy, and uncomfortable. Maybe it’s because I spend too much time working, maybe it’s because I have recently been cutting way back on coffee … whatever the reasons, I’m a tired dude today and I think it’s probably mostly my fault.

I need to face it: It’s not possible to be a possibility thinker when I am too tired to think.  See you on the other side of a much needed nap.

Have you come face to face with the most brutal beast?

To start my series on Possibility Thinking, I’d like to present you with some notable quotations:

“We are not here to ACCEPT a fate imposed upon us. Rather, we are here to CREATE our fate.”

“To make our lives living masterpieces, we need to move beyond acceptance, and even positive thinking, to the realm of possibility thinking.”

“Before we can slay Goliath, we must come to the realization that it is POSSIBLE to do so.”¹

I am a firm believer in self determinism and possibility thinking. Norman Vincent Peale and Robert Schuller were a couple of my mentors in my 20’s.

“Possibility thinking is a heroic act because it allows the future to break with the past.”²

I have observed that if you aim your creative mind in the direction of success, you will get there. Possibility thinking takes discipline and work, but the rewards far surpass all effort.

In this first post of the series, I want you to think about the “NOW.”

What do you want today? Let’s start small with today and work outward towards the end of life. As you imagine your day laid out before you, what would you like to see happen? What would you like to get done? To achieve? To receive? This is the almighty “what” that you need to define to begin the process of possibility thinking. I recommend making a list. Why not open a notepad right now and type a list of 3 or more things. Then, use your imagination to free the possibilities! It will be the best few minutes you’ve spent in a long time. In fact you may find yourself spending more time at it as the possibilities begin to froth upward.

When you have your “what” visualized and your expectations set high, let possibilities into your mind. You will be amazed at how solve-able your wants, needs, and problems are. A possibility thinker will find a solution. If there are some on your list you can’t solve, just write “I’m open to anything” next to them. So, in a step-by-step summary:

1. Think of what you want.
2. Think of possibility solutions.
3. Act on your creative solutions.
4. Be open to acts of randomness, God, or other people as solutions.

Tomorrow I will take on what you want in the short-term future and how to see the possibilities through to realization. I encourage you to come back as I explore this exciting and rewarding mindset. Would you say you are a “possibility thinker?” If you are, chime in here in the comments . . . lets chat about it! If you’re not sure or if you’d like to become one . . . this series is for you too! Last but not least, If you are a positive thinker and interested in guest blogging in this series, contact me!

1. For authors’ attribution see this URI:link [↩]
2. For authors’ attribution see this URI:link [↩]