Postcards from the Funny Farm

I want to discuss Ellis’ theory of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT) as it relates to a happy marriage. Let’s face it, when your marriage is thriving and healthy, it feels like you’re taking pure energy pills. I may have mentioned REBT here before but this is a unique way of looking at it to keep your marriage positive and growing in love.  REBT is a way of breaking down communication and understanding why we and our spouses do what we do. The basic template are these ABC’s:

A: Adversity comes our way and we are forced to deal with it.  This can be like the house being messy for example.  Will you clean it?  Will you yell at your spouse over it?  Will you do nothing and BROOD? etc.

B: Beliefs we hold cause us to see adversity in given ways.  For example, if I grew up with a maid, I will not likely clean the house all the time.  On the other hand, if I was the cleaner my whole life I might never let it get bad. Then finally,

C: Consequences result after A and B combine to make our actions.  The trick is really studying how we got here in a given situation.

I think it is the best piece of advice I could give to a married couple to study Ellis’ ABC’s of REBT.  It is the logical continuation of possibility thinking (I wrote a series on that btw) Understanding that your spouse says and does things directly as a result of their beliefs might lessen the number of arguments you have.  For example, if you learn that your wife never got new shoes much, then you might understand her apprehension to buying your kids as many as you think they need.  That’s a simple example but this method can help you manage your money, sex-life, raising and disciplining of kids, etc.  Remember to think your arguments through and remember your ABC’s.

Got a method to your marriage that works for you?

Did you ever see a superhero movie where the hero finds the villain’s lair only to hear upon entry:

Welcome. We’ve been expecting you.

Then there is a ghoulish laugh like “bwah ha ha ha ha” or something like that? That scene is pretty common in superhero shows. It’s possible audiences relate with it so well because we all have metaphorical villains that we fear. When our fear materializes it seems composed and set on destroying us. In those scenarios, fear has control, we do not. Wouldn’t it be great if when our fear shows itself we could say to it:

And I have been expecting you!

Preparation to meet our “villain” is the key to good mental health. Sorry if the picture is too scary, but I thought it accentuated my point well. The villain is not for kids.

If you go back and read my post on the REBT psychology method you will see that our belief about adversity is what determines our action and consequence. Wrong beliefs about things defeat us. At the present time, these posts of inspiration and good mental health are my favorite to write.  If your greatest fear is to lose your job, which is probably mine in all honesty even though I have a pretty secure job, then ask yourself why does that scare you so much. Is your worth 100% in your job? I know mine isn’t. As you begin analyzing that fear and asking “Why?” you can become prepared for the fear when it comes up. Classic example of REBT: Your boss calls you into his office. Do you panic? This is your villain manifesting itself. There is no need to panic if you meet him prepared. Your greatest fear is probably not even going to happen and imagine how much trouble you’ll save yourself by not being so concerned. You can beat that villain and another and another until ideally fear no longer has a hold over you (I am not there quite yet). It’s a great thing when defeat a villain, despite his size.

REBT is my latest excitement to blog about, thought it is certainly nothing new. As I close, let me draw your attention to another psychological marvel that shows us really all our collective villains I guestblogged about in a simple list:

The 10 Cognitive Distortions. These are the biggies to watch out for.  Remember this ‘aint no movie, this is your one shot at a life.

Now, go get yourself prepared to meet the villain.

Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT) is arguably the first cognitive therapy. I’ve been a fan of cognitive therapy ever since I was introduced to it by a licensed clinical social worker in 1999. Got issues? It works. No, it’s not holding hands over the eyes of your partner like the picture shows, I just chose that one because I thought it conveyed closeness and safety.

Reckless emotions and “telling on” people and crying, all that has its place on a therpist’s couch (arguably), But REBT works you through the stuff that is holding you back more quickly.

I wanted to start dialog on this today since I feel it can truly transform your life at work, home, et al. I’m sure to bring it up again since I am that impressed with it for anyone and everyone. By the way, Presently, my wife and I are using it to put an end to some of our recurrent fight issues, and it is working. We are finding that some of our biggest “triggers” come from things that happened to us when we were kids and it is very relieving to be able to understand how to do things better. To feel better about the things that happen to you (even the bad stuff) REBT is worth looking into.

I must give credit to the creator of REBT, Albert Ellis. Mr. Ellis put together a system of cognitive therapy that has literally revolutionized my life, along with millions of others. Let me tell you what it is exactly:

REBT consists of a very simple acronym: ABC

A: This is the adversity that happens to you: boss calls you into your office and it doesn’t seem good, wife yells downstairs to you and it sounds really bad, you hear someone peel out their tires in front of your house and you hear a glass shatter … etc. These things are neutral in and of themselves, you don’t know what they mean right away.

B: This stands for what you believe based on a myriad of past learned experiences and attitudes. Mostly, it means what you have experienced relating to the “A.” If you have been a baseball player for years, a high speed object coming past you may not be as frightening as someone who has had ammo flying past them. Basically, this is how you see the “A.” REBT looks at this closely to determine if the A is really the sole cause of your emotions about it and not “B.” REBT works to remove the B. For example, let’s say your boss calls you into his office. You feel like you should get up and walk in, but something keeps you from going in. It might be because your parent once called you into their office for something negative. You may come to find the incident was only a positive thing.

C: This stands for consequence. As a result of behavior, there are inevitably consequences. Usually when people get to therapy, their C has not been positive.

The place to point in REBT is B: belief. What you believe about what happened must be separated from the true meaning of A.

Hmmm, when people told me I was doing a bad job, they always fired me after that. This could be an imagined belief. Therefore, my boss yelled at me so therefore I will be fired soon.

This is not necessarily the case and a responsible person who wants to live a life outside the funny farm will work to examine the b in light of a. The end result?  Ellis actually calls the next step “D” which stands for DISPUTE of the previously held, if indeed held, self-defeating Belief.

The next time you get in a fight with your spouse or have any form of self-defeating thought,  remember the ABC’s of REBT:  A) Adversity, B) Belief, C) Consequence, and D) DISPUTE steps of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy. Not only could it save your life, it could make it better than you dreamed possible.

*Works Consulted: Wikipedia, my own life, my own cognitive therapy sessions.